


Detours before Love

by CAOSCellBlockTango



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before (Movies), To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han
Genre: Angst, F/M, Falling In Love, Hurt/Comfort, Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-16 18:53:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29829366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CAOSCellBlockTango/pseuds/CAOSCellBlockTango
Summary: “I just came to tell you, well, that I like you Peter Kavinsky, and not in a fake way.”Peter looked at her with a face that did not bode well. He scratched the back of his head with his right hand, which only put in display his impressive right bicep. Lara Jean was a very smart girl, the instant he’d done that, she knew that he would not be telling her what she expected. She had come down there with romance novel fantasies in her mind, she had imagined Peter sweeping her off of her feet and kissing her senseless. Another version of the scene in her mind had Peter confess his love to her with his strong calloused hand holding hers, for hours, on the lawn, until dawn.However, reality novels often do not translate into reality. “Lara Jean, look, I really like you too, but not that way. You’re a great friend, and I enjoyed the time we spent together. But, I am sorry. I…” He stopped midsentence, inhaling deeply. “I got back together with Gen.”Lara Jean finds out that Peter got back together with Gen, that he had moved on quickly from their fake dating, and resolves she needs to move on, as well. That night, she receives a letter from an old friend. That might a sign. Unless, it isn't?
Relationships: Genevieve "Gen"/Peter Kavinsky, John Ambrose McClaren/Lara Jean Song-Covey, Peter Kavinsky & Lara Jean Song-Covey
Comments: 26
Kudos: 35





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all -- 
> 
> This story picks up at then of the first movie of the All the Boys saga. Peter decides to go back to Gen. Let's see how Lara Jean and Peter get back to each other - that is if they do. Read to find out ;-)

“I drove here,” Lara Jean told Peter on the Lacrosse field, hopeful that she could turn their relationship from fake to real. He smiled at her, and that alone, made her heart skip a bit. He had a gorgeous smile. She phased out for a second, seeing how that Lacrosse outfit hugged his muscled body all in the right places, and the physical effort looked good on him as she could smell that manly scent that emanated from him as she got closer. “I just came to tell you, well, that I like you Peter Kavinsky, and not in a fake way.”

Peter looked at her with a face that did not bode well. He scratched the back of his head with his right hand, which only put in display his impressive right bicep. Lara Jean was a very smart girl, the instant he’d done that, she knew that he would not be telling her what she expected. She had come down there with romance novel fantasies in her mind, she had imagined Peter sweeping her off of her feet and kissing her senseless. Another version of the scene in her mind had Peter confess his love to her with his strong calloused hand holding hers, for hours, on the lawn, until dawn.

However, reality novels often do not translate into reality. “Lara Jean, look, I really like you too, but not that way. You’re a great friend, and I enjoyed the time we spent together. But, I am sorry. I…” He stopped midsentence, inhaling deeply. “I got back together with Gen.” That hit hard, harder than a slap in the face. Lara Jean did not notice, but she had taken a couple of steps back, as if being too close to Peter was physically hurting her. She mustered all the confidence and dignity she had not to burst into tears in front of him. “Oh, of course. I am happy for you, Peter. After all, it was your initial goal. I was just the fake girlfriend. Best fake girlfriend, I guess. I’ll get out of your way now.”

She couldn’t feel the look of betrayal she threw him before she left. He tried to call after her. “Lara Jean, please!” but she did not look back. She was just like that. She wouldn’t look back. Peter was back together with Gen. It was for the best, in a way. She could go back to being the invisible Lara Jean she had always been, the one no one cared about. She couldn’t help thinking that Peter Kavinsky had played a good one on her. He had run to her house at night after the ski trip, to win her and had assured she was not second best or fake best. It’s not the unreciprocated feelings that hurt the most, it is the lying. She had believed him when he said he liked her and wanted to be with her.

Peter even tried to run after her after he collected his thoughts, but that put him a couple of seconds too late. By the time he regrouped, she had already gotten into her car and this time, she did not hesitate the slightest before she left. He saw in her eyes, her beautiful wide eyes, that she felt lured, betrayed. Life had thrown a lot at him and there was a lot he could stand and he in fact stood in life, but having Lara Jean Song-Covey actively pissed at him, was not something he could peacefully cope with, or cope with at all for that matter.

He wanted to tell her that he had been sincere the other night when he rushed to her home to talk her, and get her to be his girlfriend, for real. He probably would still be pursuing her now if it weren’t for Gen, who had showed up at his doorstep the same fateful evening. They had talked, she told him how much she missed him, how much she missed their relationship and how that college guy she was dating did not measure up to him. Gen knew Peter so well, she had played the right keys on the Kavinsky Piano to get him to give in. She kissed him and he kissed back, and it did feel good. It felt like coming back home, in a way. After all, Gen still had that hold on him that he couldn’t quite explain. At that time, as Lara Jean had just rejected him, it felt right to go back to Gen. She made him feel good about himself.

Over the days, he could see a change in Gen. She was more willing to make their relationship, one of equals. She was less of a diva, less bitchy. More mature in a way and so Peter had never doubted his decision to go back to her. Sure, she had posted that video of Lara Jean and himself in the hot tub, but it was out of spite and jealousy. That justification did good to his ego. Genevieve had been so insecure about his relationship with Lara Jean that she went to these lengths to sabotage it. He was worth at least that much. Compared to Covey who had chosen that Josh guy, a tool, and asked him to go back home, Gen’s attentions and ego-boosts sure felt good.

Then, Lara Jean came to the field. Sweet Lara Jean. She was so tiny in that huge field, and he had recognized her miles away from her unique style. She dressed so well. And her hair, it was so silk and shiny – the sun only made it look better – that he wished he could run his fingers in it. She said she liked him, and if he was being honest, it made his heart make a backflip in his chest. It all came rushing back to him. The make out session in the hot tub, and how much he was into her, the movie nights, the small gestures they had for each other, and ultimately, the feelings he had for her. At that instant, he had forgotten all about Gen and was ready to open his arms for Lara Jean to throw herself at him. Then, the sentence she had told him and that had stung so much came back rushing too. “This is over, in every possible way.”

He remembered he was with Gen, that is how things were supposed to be, that it is what he originally wanted and that his confusion about Lara Jean was just that, confusion. Gen and he had history, she was gorgeous and they knew each other so well. It was easy and comfortable, while Lara Jean was just too complicated, too demanding. But seeing her bolt away from the field, tears clearly visible in her eyes, he couldn’t help but feel like an asshole. It was only worse when he realized she did not want to be around him.

Later that night, at the Song-Covey household, while Lara Jean was moping around, her father silently put a letter on the coffee table as she was lying on the couch. It read “Lara Jean Song-Covey.” For a small moment, she wondered whether this was not from Peter, who would have pretended he did not like her only to surprise her with a letter of his own. That would be off-the-charts romantic, even for a romantic novel. As she turned the letter around, her heart sunk though. It was not Peter Kavinsky.

It was John Ambrose McClaren. She had written to him in sixth grade, the year she’d been obsessed with him. She barely remembers the letter now that she comes to think of it. Reading John Ambrose’s answer gave her indications on the content though. She must’ve referred to that afternoon in the treehouse reading Harry Potter until the sunset. She still does that once in a while, go there and read Harry Potter. Don’t judge her for being obsessed with Harry Potter, it is a great saga. She thought back fondly to that memory of reading with John Ambrose, and she wasn’t sure whether it was her mind that romanticized the memory or if it was as perfect as she is recollecting it presently.

John Ambrose McClaren was dreamy, he had those unruly curls and that tanned skin. And that smile, she would never be able to forget that smile. Besides the fact that it was a gorgeous smile – the most gorgeous she’s even seen – it conveyed everything she remembered John Ambrose was, gentle, loving, caring, genuine. She looked a second time at the address he wrote on the back of the letter. She thought he had moved way further, but he was actually just about 10 miles away from her. _What if_? She shook her head. _This is not a romance novel or a movie Lara Jean, nothing romantic_ is going to come out of it. She would sit tomorrow and write back to him. A polite letter, asking for his whereabouts and expressing her will to catch up someday if he wanted to.

That night, when Lara Jean got to sleep, she tried hard not to fantasize about John Ambrose. She did not even know what he looked like for God’s sake. Yet, there she was, secretly hoping that the letter she had gotten was a sign of the epic love story she would embark on. After all, John Ambrose had written a letter to her, an actual letter he sent by the mail.

That had to mean something, right?


	2. Disconnecting, Reconnecting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Peter chooses Genevieve, he tries to make sense of the decision the following morning he wakes up. The day before, Lara Jean answers to a letter from John Ambrose McClaren, the ideal way to move on and heal?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for embarking with me on this story. I'm both team Peter and John Ambrose, the story could still lean one way or the other. So please don't hesitate to interact as the story evolves ! :)

How do you write back to a boy you were obsessed with in sixth grade, who was the most charming boy you have ever met and who was, in so many ways, just like you? That was the questions that were swimming in Lara Jean’s mind. When she wrote those letters, she never expected an answer. God, she hadn’t even expected them to be sent in the first place, but there she was, with an answer from John Ambrose McClaren in her hands. An actual letter. A sweet one. He was always sweet like that. She wondered whether he still had that unruly hair she dreamt so many times she could run her hand into, whether he had those dazzling brown eyes in which she used to get so lost into when she was younger, whether he still had that perfect smile. Lara Jean felt small tingles coursing in her body thinking about John Ambrose’s smile. It was breathtaking, even now, as a 16-year old, thinking about John Ambrose’s 11-year old, her heart clenched in her chest.

She exhaled loudly, which prompted Kitty’s attention as she was passing by. “Everything all right LJ?” Lara Jean just nodded. “John Ambrose wrote me back; do you remember him?” Kitty was confused, she barely remembered any of those boys. She was still a little girl. “Was he the one with the dreamy tanned skin?” Lara Jean smiled widely and nodded giddily. “How about Peter, I thought that you went to profess your love to him earlier this afternoon. I didn’t even hear you when you got back home.” In a second, Lara Jean went from incredibly giddy and excited to dejected. “It didn’t work out. He doesn’t want me anymore. He went back to Gen. Actually, Kitty, come sit. I need to tell you something.”

_Here goes nothing_ , she deserves to know the truth. Kitty sat on Lara Jean’s bed, waiting for her sister to spill, but she did not expect that. Lara Jean told her how everything started as a fake-dating contract, how she and Peter did that to make Gen jealous and lure Josh away, and how at the end, she fell for him because, well, he was Peter Kavinsky and any girl would fall for his charm, his handsomeness and personality. She had been an idiot to jump on the Kavinsky fan club. “In a way, it is better like this. I mean, what would’ve happened if we got together. We’d date for a while, and then he’d go back to Gen, inevitably. I remember telling Josh that once at school. It would’ve hurt more in the end. So, it is not a bad thing it is ending now.”

Kitty hugged Lara Jean, and then said. “Lara Jean, I was around most of the time Peter and you hung out, and I can tell. It was not fake. I don’t know what is going on with that Gen girl, but it was real between Peter and you. Just think about those small notes he left you, how personal they got at some point.” She then went to her own room, leaving Lara Jean with her thoughts. Could Kitty be right? Did Peter actually like her? She laughed humorlessly. Peter Kavinsky could never like her, he did not like girls like her, girls who were little nerds with a passion for romance novels and literature. Peter Kavinsky had a type, popular girls. That is why Gen was such a good fit. She was popular, pretty, self-confident and exciting in a way. She kept him on his toes and he could not get enough of her. She had told him once that he was obsessed with her. That was true.

Also, it was easier to believe none of it had ever existed, that there was nothing between them. It was less hurtful to just pretend she just fell in her own trap. Better feel stupid than heartbroken. In a rush of rage, against Peter, against herself, she went to her nightstand where the infamous contract and she tore it apart, putting it in the dustbin in a theatrical gesture. She felt better. Then her eyes caught the letter she had received today, and she thought she needed to answer. The questions then came rushing back. What to say? In what tone? Could it be possible that…? No. She forbade her mind from going there.

John Ambrose’s letter was nice, friendly at best. She needed not to read too much into it and try and figure out whether he liked her still. That would be ridiculous. He must already be in a relationship with a girl who was smart enough to get a hold on him. She wondered what type of boyfriend he’d be. Considerate, gentle, nice, caring. He was all these things when he was just a kid, and it transpired from his letter, that he still was. Lara Jean had made several attempts at an answer, to no avail. It would be polite not to answer. He had made an effort, after receiving a 5-year-old letter and wrote back. Each time, she felt she was using the wrong tone, she didn’t want to convey the wrong impression or any impression at all. She sat back on her desk, conscious that she wouldn’t be able to go to sleep before she wrote that damn letter. So, she took another one of her light pink letter paper, and began. She would just write things as they come to her, naturally, spontaneously. It was ironical that her mind spiraled around all night long, to end up deciding spontaneity was the way forward.

_Dear John Ambrose,_

_First, thank you for writing back. I must say I am moved you took the time to write to me. To answer the last question in your letter, I did not send it personally. To be honest, that letter was never meant to get out, but in an unexpected turn of events, it did. I was not the one who sent it. But let’s just say I had a little “help”, dare I say. And here we are. I feel like I should apologize for making you uncomfortable. It must’ve been quite a shock to you, to receive that, after so many years._

_It is not a secret for you anymore, as my letter probably laid it out to you pretty explicitly, but I had a huge crush on you back in middle school. It was the sort of infatuation that a little girl would have, you know. Innocent, dreamy, almost idolizing the boy you like and secretly hoping he idolized you back. That was you for me. How could I not? You were the kindest boy in our class. I remember you’d always insist on carrying my books for me, and you would always sit with me at lunch even when nobody did at the beginning. It was so hard seeing you move. I hope that someone did the same to you at your new school because from what I can remember, you deserve to have a good friend, someone to lean on._

_We were so much alike back then. Both quite shy, feeling like we would never entirely fit in, I think that it is that common feeling that brought us together at the beginning. I mean, it is difficult not to reflect on that time without doing it in hindsight, but I sometimes felt like you were my male equivalent. You kept to yourself a lot, you loved to read and we actually would spend hours reading together in comfortable silence, you had a passion for international diplomacy, and you even helped your grandma baking if I remember correctly. Or was it your grand auntie? See, 16 and already a failing memory._

_I don’t know about you, but really, nothing has changed much for me over the years. I still read a lot, bake a lot, and have kept an interest in international diplomacy. I still live in the same house you used to come to. The only difference is that Margot is gone now, she’s off to Scotland for college. Do you remember that day you mistook the bathroom with her room and you walked in on her when she was only in her underwear? The wrath that unfolded afterwards was quite epic, to say the least._

_I want to thank you for the sweet things in your letter. I don’t know if my letter was emotionally deep as you mention, because the reality is that I don’t remember it very well. But, yes, I was already at 11, a nervous mess. I overthought everything in my life – what am I saying, I still overthink everything in my life. That is actually why this letter has no structure whatsoever. Because I sat to write to you, and nothing seemed right at first. So, I just decided I would whatever comes to my mind and see where it takes me. Well, it has taken me to write this messy letter to you. I bet my 11-year-old self was more organized in her thoughts. But I am just a mess. Let’s say I didn’t have the best of days._

_I know what you’re thinking. Why write now, late at night after a rough day, while I could’ve waited to be in a better headspace to do so? Well, the truth is, I couldn’t wait. It might seem completely stupid but I had an urge to answer as quickly as I could. Maybe because I was so pleasantly surprised you actually wrote back. I know I conveyed that in my letter earlier, but it is worth restating._

_John Ambrose McClaren, when we were eleven, you were the perfect dreamy little boy with a smile to die for. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I still remember your smile and your eyes. I think I would recognize you just by that, even today. What I am trying to say, I guess, is that, I have missed you. I hadn’t realized until now. I think you just get used so much to someone’s absence that your mind and heart quit actively missing them because otherwise, you wouldn’t be able to cope with daily life. But seeing your name on the back of that letter, reading your words, that made me realize that it has been a while and that I do miss you. Not to worry though, I am not professing my love to you again. That would be way too embarrassing and creepy, knowing that we haven’t seen each other in a while. No, what I am saying is that I am missing a boy who used to be one of my best friends, really._

_I’ll stop here for now, because feel like I am having a monologue on the notion of catching up. It is not an easy exercise believe me. Maybe we should catch up, sometime. I was so happy when I read your address and figured it was not too far from here. I’d love for us to meet some time, if that is something you’d like too, of course. We could do coffee for instance?_

_Truly yours,  
Lara Jean_

She put her pen and instantly put the letter in an envelope and sealed it, for her not to go over it again and again and have second thoughts. She needed to stop overthinking everything. She had thought of giving John Ambrose her number at the end of the letter, but then thought there would be something romantic – she wouldn’t change overnight, would she – in making it at least one more round of letters before going to prosaic cellphones. That part on learning how to not miss people had been the hardest she’s written, by far. Her mind immediately wandered to her mother, and how she tried to not forget about her and the moments they spent together before she passed away. Sometimes, she would realize she spent an entire day without thinking of her, or even more. Coping mechanism. Thinking of her mother made her remember she still needed to send a text before she went to bed.

The next morning, when Peter Kavinsky woke up, he didn’t feel as excited as he should have. He was back together with Gen though, that is what he always wanted, wasn’t it? Gen was beautiful, she was fun to be around, uncomplicated and she was his first love. Sure, she could be annoying and gave too much importance to popularity – not that he did not, he was a teenager after all, popularity did matter and as the captain of the Lacrosse team, he had plenty of his own. But for some reason, there was still something bothering him. Or rather, someone. _Lara Jean_.

He swore he would never be able to forget the sadness in her eyes yesterday when he rejected her, for the second time in the span of a few weeks. He hadn’t thought. The other night, he was trying to convince Lara Jean that he fell for her, and part of him did, but then Gen came later and it was as if Lara Jean did barely exist. But she did. Boy did she exist. When she came on the Lacrosse field, all their memories together came rushing back to him. He hadn’t handled the situation with tact. He blurted to her that he was back with Genevieve, and that was it. He did not apologize for leading her on, for the U-turn he made on her while she was out there, pouring her feelings to him out in the open.

He had ignored what her confession had made to his insides, the churning in his stomach, the dryness in his throat. He thought it surely was the heat and the effort of spending the entire afternoon practicing. He had known Lara Jean since middle school, and while they have been friends back then, high school had rolled in and he acted as if did not know her. That was something else he needed to apologize for. The reality is that he got popular and she got left behind, a bit as Christine did. He did not overthink it, after all that happened a lot, everywhere. They weren’t the firsts, nor would they be the lasts. But the few weeks he spent with her (not so) fake-dating, reminded him of what an incredible person Lara Jean was, well, is. But he loved Gen, he was convinced he loved Gen so it was only fair that he would get back to her.

He reached for his telephone on the nightstand and scrolled down the messages he received during the night. Lara Jean was still his wallpaper, that needed changing, otherwise Gen would literally go nuts. Speaking of which, Gen was asking him to come pick her up for school while Trevor was reminding him of the double Lacrosse practice they had today. Then there was her name flashing in the middle of them all. _Lara Jean Song-Covey_. Without realizing, he rushed to open her text, his fingers slightly trembling.

**[23.07 PM]**

_From: Lara Jean Song-Covey_

_Peter, apologies for interrupting you this late at night. I was just wondering whether you could please arrange with Genevieve so that I can get my scrunchie back? She still has it, and as you may remember, it’s my favorite scrunchie. My mom gave it to me a few months before she passed away. I’d really like to get it back. Many thanks for your help, and have a good night._

_Lara Jean_

That email made him want to throw up, literally. Never had he felt so nauseous in his life, as shame, regret and remorse along with tons of other emotions were coursing in his blood. Did he remember? Of course, he remembered. She had said it was her favorite, although she never specified why. Despite it all, he had given it to Genevieve at her first ask. “ _You look good, you always look good,”_ he had told her in that bathroom at Gabe’s party. Then, after the ski trip, that scrunchie had prompted the biggest mess he had ever been in, as far as girls are concerned. Lara Jean found out that Gen had her scrunchie, and she had broken up with him, “ _in every possible way_.” He remembers how frantic he got when she said those words. _“Am I just a joke to you Peter_?”, he wanted to fall to his knees at the memory of her small voice asking this question.

Later that night, she had rejected him on the porch of her house. Outright. Calling him out for his behavior. Instead of asking for her forgiveness for going to Gen’s room the second after they left the hot tub after their hot make out session, he just tied to justify it. Lara Jean took none of it, she was not the type of girl to anyone’s lame excuses. He read the text again. That scrunchie was given to her by her mom, he didn’t know. He didn’t even try to know back in the day, and there he was, internally berating himself for putting Lara Jean through it all. He wanted to run back to her house and apologize until it was all forgotten. She did not deserve it. She was the sweetest, most innocent, most clever girl he had ever met. If he was honest, she also was goddamn beautiful. In a different way than Gen though. Gen had that smug self-confidence that was sometimes a tad overbearing, while Lara Jean was just this lovely little thing that everyone would want to cuddle with, plus she had that sense of style that made her look both insanely hot and insanely cute. Without giving much thought, for the first time, he had compared Gen’s looks to another girl’s, and the latter had come on top. The other girl was Lara Jean.

He read the text a final time. His chest tightened forcefully. Her words were so distant, she wrote to him as if she were writing to someone she barely knew, after all they’ve been through together. Then he figured that if she was convinced that their whole eventful story was fake, it was unsurprising she would write to him this way, because, since it was fake, they hadn’t really shared anything at all. That simple thought made him miserable. The reality was that he enjoyed every single minute he spent with Lara Jean. It got him realize that he actually missed her from middle school. He loved how they could speak for hours and still have hours to go, how caring and sweet she was but also how she opinionated she was. His mind went back to that evening when she told him off about being obsessed with Gen, she had done it in a firm very outspoken way yet gentle.

Then he remembered she told he she had no reason to be afraid of him, _“because we’re just pretending._ ” It was the moment he thought he fell for her. Sweetly devastating. She had said that with this adorable little twist she does to her mouth. But then Gen came around and swept him off his feet, again. He took his phone and answered to Lara Jean’s message. He wanted it to be friendly, yet not overly enthusiastic so that she would not think this was easy on him. Sure, he was getting back to her girlfriend and had hooked up with Lara Jean in the process, which made him a God among guys at school, basically. Then words that Lara Jean had told him prompted back in his mind. “ _The boys always have it easier than the girls, boys are heartbreakers, Don Juan’s. Us girls, we’re easy. To remain polite_.”

**[7.27 AM]**

_To: Lara Jean Song-Covey_

_Hey Lara Jean. Sure, I’ll take care of it. I am so sorry. I had no idea it was a gift from your mother. Why didn’t you say anything?_

The answer was almost instantaneous.

**[7.28 AM]**

_From: Lara Jean Song-Covey_

_Because you never asked. Because I thought it would be enough for me to say it was my favorite scrunchie, and it was important to me. I guess it wasn’t enough._

_“I guess I wasn’t enough_ ,” he almost felt the subtext of her message and that made his heart ache with hurt. It wasn’t that at all. He would actually feel lucky that a girl such as Lara Jean would give him the time of the day under other circumstances. It is just, well, Gen. It felt like they had unfinished business there. He gave in, in a moment of weakness and they were good together, so it made sense. Plus, he had to admit that he was so hurt to be turned down by Lara Jean that way, that he took the comfort Gen gave him.

There was also this Josh Sanderson guy, when he saw him the other night, he literally lost it. He usually was not the jealous type, but he remembered his reaction, the way his blood boiled with anger at the sight of Sanderson a few feet away from Lara Jean as she was softly smiling at him while she had just lashed out at him a few minutes before.

All those thoughts swam in his head as he was getting ready for school. He picked up Gen at her place and when she kissed him good morning, it felt weird. He shrugged it off, he thought it was probably due to the fact that it had been a little while since they were together like that, and they needed to get reacquainted one to another, in a way. Sure, it had only been a few weeks, but that can create a lot of differences – especially at their age where everything was new and fresh as far as love was concerned, right?

As they both got inside hand in hand in the school, he felt Genevieve’s smugness course through her entire body, it was actually dripping, to the point where Peter felt he was soaked in it, until she asked him. “Peter, are you alright? Your palms are all sweaty.” He didn’t move, he couldn’t move. He nervously cleared her throat and pronounced a “yes” that sounded extremely hoarse.

At the end of the hallway, was Lara Jean Song-Covey. His heart had skipped a fair number of beats, and his eyes couldn’t look elsewhere. She was wearing that bombers jacket he liked so much and her hair was all silk and shiny. She was breathtaking, and so, naturally, his breath was caught in his lungs.


	3. Community Service

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me longer than expected, the week is crazy. But here is the new chapter of this story with John Ambrose coming in the picture more prominently, and our dear Lara Jean and Peter navigating post-breakup. Peter sees a new side of Lara Jean that he didn't expect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have another idea of a fanfiction for the To All the Boys saga, but not sure if I should begin writing it, in parallel to this one. Thoughts and recommendations are welcome - comments too ! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy :)

That morning, when John Ambrose McClaren woke up, he remembered that he had to choose a volunteering project to choose at school. All his friends were going to sign up for this place nearby the park that took care of lost animals. It is not that he disliked animals, but he felt he would rather help human beings who were in need. He initially thought of joining the foster care services, but he knew his ex-girlfriend Dipti, would volunteer there and he wanted to avoid her as much as he could. He needed to think of another project to take one, one that he would like and that would look nice on applications. Their love story was short-lived, Dipti had dumped him to date the star quarterback of the school. _“I really enjoyed our time together, Johnny, but I just don’t think we’re made for each other. I mean, you’re charming and all. It’s not you, it’s me. We come from different worlds, we have different aspirations_.” He snorted at the thought of that lame discourse she had served him.

The reality was that Dipti was a sucker for popularity, and arguably, “Nerdy Johnny” as the football team called him, certainly was not on his way to the top of the food chain. At the very moment she got on the cheerleaders’ squad, he felt her slip away. It was almost inevitable. He thought heartbreak would hurt more. He had all about it, and watched those soapy series. But the reality is that when she broke up with her, he realized he liked the idea of her, more than he actually liked her. Their conversations were not that entertaining, and he had to force himself to listen when she would go on and on over the Kardashians or some other useless reality TV show.

His mother’s voice interrupted his bittersweet thoughts. “Johnny darling, will you come downstairs, please? There is mail for you.” _Mail_? Was it an early admission for a university, which was weird because they were months away of even applying to universities. Sure, he was a brilliant student, with unequaled ambition, but he wouldn’t be on the radar of any schools just yet. He never received mail normally, he was too young for that. Mail was an adult’s thing. The only he had ever received got in last week, when it took a few detours before it ended up at their new home. It had been from Lara Jean, the thought of her alone made him smile widely. As he came down the stairs, he found his mother smiling at him and holding a glittery letter. _Lara Jean_. Glitter was her thing.

He rushed to seize the letter from her hands and ran to his bedroom. “Don’t be late for school,” she yelled. _Lara Jean wrote back_. He couldn’t believe it. At first, when he received her initial letter, he thought it had been a mistake or some sort of joke. Then when he read it, he remembered sweet Lara Jean Song-Covey would never make a joke about her feelings and would never fool him. She was too nice for that. He remembered fondly that ever since middle school he made it a statement that people call him John Ambrose, and not just John. He liked the connection it created to Lara Jean. Reading her initial letter had been a sweet memory, he was reading 11-year-old Lara Jean professing her love for 11-year-old John Ambrose.

It was bittersweet – _damn that word stuck this morning_ , he thought – because he had a crush over too, more than a crush, an obsession. He had never said anything though, way too shy with that stutter of his and convinced that no girl would ever like him _like that_. He remembered that eventful spin-the-bottle evening when she had kissed Peter Kavinsky. It was just a game, but he had felt a pang in his chest, and got back home miserable home that night. He even cried himself to bed. Peter Kavinsky was all the girls’ fantasies and he was the idiot best friend they would use to get to Peter.

But now, he had a 16-year-old Lara Jean letter she was writing to his 16-year old self. He honestly did not expect her to write back, never a million years. That showed she hadn’t changed one bit, Lara Jean must’ve thought it wouldn’t be polite not to reply, and so she did. He was surprised at the speed at which she had responded, though. He opened the envelope with excitement and read her words, written on that light pink paper of hers, _typical Lara Jean_. _Some things do not change_. His heart swelled at the mention of the memories they shared, he remembered very well model UN together, and that day when he walked on Margot. He laughed at the memory of her reaction. He felt his heart flutter as she remembered that he loved to bake with his Grandma, he still did it until now.

She was so genuine, he could feel in her words, that she meant every single thing she said and she was not shying away. In his head, he swore it was almost as if he could hear her 11-year-old self say those words. His smile turned giddy knowing that Lara Jean felt she _needed_ to answer as soon as she could. Funny how after all these years, they were still able to _get_ each other. He had wanted to know why she answered so fast, and there was his answer. He shared the same urge to write back. He would certainly need to skip breakfast, but it would be so worth it.

_Dearest Lara Jean,_

_I cannot express how happy I am that you ever wrote me back, especially that you did so promptly. I have to say I would be curious to know more about the “unexpected turn of events” that led a letter you wrote to me almost six years ago, to get out now. It’s just that, I want to thank those events because it is a great pleasure to be able to reconnect after all these years. The truth is, when we left, I was still a kid and I was not sure how these things worked. I think I hadn’t realized the magnitude of what moving would be. We actually just recently got back in the region, we had moved to California for my dad’s job as you may remember._

_I missed you too, Lara Jean. But to be honest, I didn’t need that letter to be remembered of it. I has missed you every day since I left, until today. There were days I was more aware of it than others, but I knew I missed you. Not Peter, not Trevor, not Chris. Just you. Each year, I read again the Harry Potter books just because I am a die-hard Potterhead, and I never fail to think of you when I did that. It was always a sweet memory, that day at the tree house. I had no idea what went down that day, but reflecting on it, it was not just a reading session, it was a_ moment. _I remember we exchanged a look and I swear I could remember it forever. I think I might be oversharing, but it is just the result of your letter being bluntly honest._

_If I keep being honest, I would say that it filled me with warmth to know that you remembered I used to bake with my Grandma. I still do actually, every time I go to see her. But as much as I try, I’ll never be able to be as good as you. Do you remember those chocolate peanut butter cupcakes you baked for my tenth birthday? I can still feel them on the tip of my tongue. I have spent the last six years roaming around California and Oregon in search of cupcakes that would live up to these. To no avail. Please send me your recipe, even if it is the last thing you send to me. I hope it is not, though – the last letter you send to me, I mean_.

_I enjoy reading your words, I loved the fact that you just wrote the letter from scratch, without thinking of structure or without giving it much of a second thought. The result is so Lara Jean. I remember you even when we were kids, you would spiral so much on anything a teacher or a friend would say to you. I found it so cute – I find your 11-year-old cute, I hope that is not creepy – especially that you would slightly bite in your inside cheek, which made it so adorable – equally not creepy to find your 11-year-old self to be adorable. Just to say, that yes, it makes sense when you say that you are overthinking. Yet, you didn’t in writing the letter – although you did internally while writing the letter. Interesting move, literature wise._

_Dear Lara Jean, when we were eleven, you were that crush I had and I kept buried inside because I was too ashamed, and I suspected a girl like you, would not give me the time of the day. So, I kept quiet about my feelings. I was terrified to lose one of my closest friends. I guess we were two in that situation. I wish I had known back then. I was in no position to think it through that way back then – well, because I was not as deep and clever as you were, as you are – but in retrospective, you got me in a way nobody else did. More than five years later, I haven’t crossed paths with someone who gets me as much as you used to. I miss that feeling._

_Last, I am so sorry to read that you had a tough day when you wrote this. I am here, if you ever want to talk or write about it. I hope this letter will make you feel at least a little better._

_Sincerely,_

_John Ambrose McClaren (just because you used to enjoy pronouncing my full name so much)_

_P.S. I noticed you offered to meet again, yet failed to provide a number or an email where to reach you. I assume that is intentional and due to your romantic flair. I’ll abide by it, at least for now, and will not give away any of my own, until your next letter. But of course, I’d like to meet again. That goes without saying_

John Ambrose felt happy about his letter, it was the right mix between spontaneous, flirty and reminiscent. The reality is that in the back of his mind, he never forgot about Lara Jean. _The one who got away_ , as one of those cheesy movies or books would say. He went to school, feeling light, almost forgetting that Dipti had broken up with him for popularity, or his lack thereof. It is only when he crossed the doors of the school that he remembered that they would need to choose their community service assignment. Dipti and he had planned to do it together at the foster care services. But he did not really want to be around her and he knew her well enough to figure she wouldn’t change her plans to preserve his heart. Not that it was scathed anyways.

He roamed around from booth to booth, weighing the pros and cons of each option. John Ambrose has always been dedicated to his community, and so this choice would need to be important. He also needed it to look good on college applications, especially that he did not have sports to show off. All he had was his AP classes and his perfect grades. He wished it was enough. His eyes caught a small poster that read _“Belleview Retirement Home_.” That was it. He loved hanging out with his grandparents, he would be one of the few – if not the only one – from his high school, which would cut him some slack, and he would be doing something useful for the community and his future.

In another high school, merely a few miles away, Christine exclaimed. “Belleview Retirement Home. Seriously, Lara Jean? You could’ve chosen anything, and you chose Belleview.” Lara Jean flashed her a small smile. She knew that everyone else would consider it a lame choice, but it was her choice. Margot had volunteered there, and she always talks about it as one of her high school highlights. She wanted to have that connection to her sister, who she missed so dearly. “Chris, you know why I chose to go there. Margot did too, and she couldn’t shut up about it, literally. Plus, it looks good on college applications.” Lucas joined and they engaged in an animated conversation about their respective community services, and how they would make time to see each other.

“Lara Jean, how are you coping with the Kavinsky situation?” Lucas asked softly. Gen and Peter did not wait to show to everyone that they were back together as the school’s power couple. Chris went quiet as well, worried about her friend. She knew Lara Jean and could see she was trying her best to cope with the situation. But it was not easy. Her cousin was the worst, no one could deny it. “It’s fine, I guess. I mean, it’s pretty recent so I suppose it is normal that I am still processing, although he doesn’t seem to. But, I am the one who was dumped, technically. So, it makes sense I take more time to process. But, I’m fine, overall. I mean, in a nook of my head, I knew this would happen.” She had told both of them about the story beginning as a fake dating exercise, before going somewhat true.

“I mean, we fake-got together for him to go back to Gen. I was just stupid enough to fall for a guy who would never give me the time of the day. Sure, it’s been ambiguous at times, and I let myself believe that he liked me too, really liked me. But at the end, it is Gen, it has always been Gen. And I wish for them to be happy. I do.” Chris hugged Lara Jean tightly, she was not good with words she figured. Lucas, on his end, preferred to comment. He was a talker, he’s always been. “Well, that is wise Lara Jean. Although, I must say, I have seen you together, and I saw the way Kavinsky looked at you. It was not something you made up in your mind. I think there was something there, for real, LJ.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Does it really matter at all, at this point? He made his choice. I just have to move on.”

As soon as those words left her mouth, she felt it. She felt him. He got into the room. She turned and their eyes locked for a second, before she forced her eyes away from him. He did not stop looking at here. For a moment that felt an eternity, he didn’t have Gen at his arm, was not surrounded by Gabe or Trevor and their usual antics, she was not with her friends, there were not surrounded by half the student body, it was just Peter and Lara Jean in his head. He was not sure why he felt that way. He was with Gen, he had chosen to be with her. He could’ve had Lara Jean, yet he chose Gen. It was guilt, he thought. It had to be.

How could he not feel guilty? There was Lara Jean, not able to flash more than a half-smile to Lucas James and Chris hugging Lara Jean, which alone says something. Chris was not a hugger. She was good at hiding what she truly felt, but he could see right through her. Those few weeks with her, fake or not – mostly not fake on his end, he must concede – made him know her so well. He could see the hurt in her eyes. That was all because of him. That thought alone made him miserable. He had never wanted to hurt her. He would take all her hurt if he could.

Gen led him to whatever volunteering booth she wanted to join, she knew he’d join without much resistance. Lost in his thoughts, he remembered that night when he went to Lara Jean’s after she ended things between them. He was frantic, he was not even able to wait for the next day to go see her and solve whatever issues they had. When he saw her with Sanderson, he snapped. He had never felt that away, ever. Not even when Gen told him she was leaving him for her fling with a college guy. The next he knew, he was bumping into someone, someone very tiny with silk dark hair.

“Oh, sorry Peter.” _Lara Jean_. There she was. He felt the urge of wrapping his arms around her and put his cheek on her head, as he briefly used to. “Can we talk Lara Jean?” He couldn’t help but gently wrap his hand around her arm. That touch alone sent shivers down his spine, he decided to ignore. Gen was speaking to her friends, so it was the best moment to speak to his…ex, that was the right word. His ex-girlfriend, his ex-fake girlfriend? But there she was, shaking her head. “I don’t think it is a good idea, Peter. Gen is around. Plus, I think that time apart will only do us good,” she told him, softly. Heartbreakingly, almost. He hated that he was the reason for that tone in her voice. He felt like the biggest tool in the world. It also made his belly churn that she would not look at him, her stare firmly on her shoes, as if she saw something very interesting there. “Covey, please. I wanted to apologize for… for the scrunchie. I had no idea…”

That is when her eyes met his again. He had never seen that expression before. There was hurt, but was it mixed with anger, rage with a bit of hate? He had never seen that in Lara Jean before, ever. They’ve known each other forever, and he had never seen her wash people around her with anything but kindness and genuineness. “Not that you ever cared enough to ask,” she said, pushing his hand away.

She then left, leaving him literally _roasted_ in front of everyone, barely able to breath.


	4. The Smiles of John Ambrose McClaren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our best spiral-girl is back, with a reflection on her first meeting with John Ambrose McClaren, although she is not over Peter completely. That would come though, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your support and comments, it helps a lot. Please continue :)

_“From Alder High yes, but we have another young man from Portsmith. His name is…”_

_“John Ambrose McClaren.”_

Lara Jean never expected to meet John Ambrose in such circumstances. She had received his second letter and it did all kinds of things to her, it made her chest tighten, her belly churn and flutter. She got curious about John Ambrose and his life, what he had become although from the letter she could gather that he was still as charming and considerate as he was. And there was that “P.S.” He effortlessly had guessed her intentions in offering to meet yet not provide any contact details, for the “romantic flair,” as he put it, very eloquently, very John Ambrose-like. She received the letter the same morning but she was running late for school and she couldn’t wait to get back home and sit to answer to him. Never did she imagine, when she headed for her first day at Belleview later that day, that she would meet with him. It must have been fate

There she was, sitting, still. But not at her desk, on her bed, her head swimming with thoughts about John Ambrose McClaren. Her reaction when she heard his voice from behind. During a second, she thought she was imagining it, due to the restless she felt at the prospect of meeting him again after all those eyes. But that voice was real, it had changed. Age did it work, and boy did it do it well. He had an absolutely stunning voice, deep, gentle, almost a caress in the air. Then she turned, and it was it. _That smile_. She closed her eyes again to picture it, to remember it forever. _That smile_ , it was so much better than what she actually remembered from five years ago, which did not make much sense. Usually, memories we build are better than the reality, that what makes them so precious. But it was not. She feared for a moment whether she would need to see that smile every day for the rest of her life, so that she never gets to forget it.

_That smile_ was enough for her to lose all her sense, and then went the candy ball. She fell, miserably, and that was enough to make John Ambrose lose his smile instantly and rush to her, to make sure she was okay. The worried look on his face made her flutter, he was worried about her. After all these years without seeing each other, they were practically strangers, and yet, here he was, checking on her, making sure she was not concussed. Once he knew it was just her usual sloppiness, his smile was back on. Then, she asked him to get her letter back, because she had forgotten what she had written in it. It was a lie. She remembered perfectly the content of that letter, she even remembers her feelings when writing it. She was just too embarrassed, and self-conscious. He hinted to liking her, but what if he was just being polite?

He had agreed, not without a little fight. She had to give it back. _We’ll see about that_ , she snorted as the thought flew by her mind. _“I need proof that someone actually liked me in middle school.”_ Who was he kidding? Everyone liked him back then. He was cute – maybe the cutest – at school, and most girls were pinning over him. “ _Even if it were, I didn’t care about everyone else_.” That is when her heart stopped, for a nanosecond. Literally stopped. She could swear he had stressed that “care” word in his sentence, and the smile he flashed her, that look he shot her, thank God, she was on the floor when that happened. Otherwise, her knees would have melted.

Then, they spent the hour catching up about their respective lives and sharing memories. It was careless, free, there was absolutely no pressure. She could just be herself. That was a nice change up to the Peter debacle, where she had to fake everything – well, because it was a fake relationship. They laughed at that day when she had forgotten her Spanish book and was distraught until he came around with the save and offered to sit with her and share his. She had hugged him so tightly, “ _I remember that hug still, Lara Jean_.” Did he remember it because he liked her?

As they were leaving, he took her hand, gently. It was so natural that she almost did not notice. _Almost_ , if it were not for her heart that started beating so fast that she feared it would “Lara Jean, I can’t believe we’re meeting again. I am incredibly it happened, just to get it out there. The funny thing is I initially did not plan on Belleview, it was just a choice on a whim. Call it instinct.” Lara Jean smile widely. “Funny how things work, don’t they? I’ve always wanted to volunteer at Belleview, because Margot did and told me how great it was. Finding you here? It’s like making perfection even more perfect, if that is even possible.” And then, at that moment, there was another smile, but it was slightly different from all the ones he flashed her during the afternoon, it was soft, breathtakingly soft and compelling. His eyes were gleaming.

He then cleared his throat and asked. “Can I get your number now, Lara Jean? Or do I have to wait for another letter?” Then his smile was slightly mischievous. She thought she could write an entire paper entitled “the Smiles of John Ambrose McClaren.” She laughed at his playfulness. “I actually received your letter this morning, and planned to answer to it tonight…” John Ambrose shot her a fake-shocked face. “Lara Jean, I am saddened. You didn’t take the time to answer to me right away, during your morning. I skipped breakfast to answer your last letter.” He then burst into a fit of loud laughter.

“John Ambrose, are you making fun of me? I was saying, I was about to give you my number then, but yes, let’s just do that now.” He nodded and handed his phone. “Lara Jean, I still except an answer to that letter, though,” he said. She answered: “You will get it, but not before I get to read my original letter, John Ambrose.” She said his name more than it was necessary, but she just loved how it sounded, and she adored that they had that systematic use of their respective middle names in common. When they parted ways, there was a pang in her heart. She thought about it, and there was a second pang, as she was laying on her bed. That was stupid. She would see him twice a week, and they could text and call. They could even see each other when the time would be convenient.

She spent her evening lost in her thoughts. John Ambrose McClaren was back in her life. It felt good, she loved the way she felt when she was around him. Of course, there are five years between them, and there was no way around it. They could catch up on that though. But, during that afternoon at Belleview, they fell right back in their relationship dynamic pretty easily. He would make her laugh, she would respond to it favorably. It was innocent back in the day, or so she thought, but at sixteen, it was outright flirting. _It felt good_. It feels good to feel wanted, desired, and John Ambrose, in a few hours, did just that without any touch or make-out session. The thought made her concerned, too.

She got fooled though by another boy, another of her childhood crushes, not a long time ago. Peter Kavinsky. He also made her desired that night in the hot tub. She thought she had finally found someone who would like her, unconditionally. But she was wrong, a mix of Genevieve and his carelessness led him back to Genevieve, precisely. She tried to analyze what she had done wrong for Peter to give up on her in less that 24 hours. That hurt, and not only her ego. She liked Peter Kavinsky, part of her still liked him. That is also something she needed to work on, moving on from him. Properly. She would not give a chance to whatever she had going on with John Ambrose, before she was absolutely sure that she was over Peter. John Ambrose did not deserve to be a rebound, he would not be. He was so much better than that. He deserved better.

She also needed, when the time was right, to make sure that John Ambrose still liked. Sure, he had hinted to it here and there during their conversation and she had not been oblivious to his flirty ways, but it could just be part of his sweet personality and maybe he just wanted to be friends. How would she react if it were the case? Her heart sank to her stomach at the thought. Sure, he had been her best friend back in middle school and she would not give that up if that’s all that he wanted. But it would hurt. Rejection always hurts.

**[10.57 PM]**

_From: John Ambrose McClaren_

_Hey LJ, just to tell you that it was the greatest surprise to find you at Belleview today. I look forward to our time together, and to getting to know each other better. Although, for a weird reason, I feel like I do know you, like a lot. Anyway, sweet dreams Lara Jean Song-Covey._

The small sound of her phone made her snap out of her thoughts, but just for a second. She read John Ambrose’s text and her heart swelled. She remembered when they would call each other on the phone when they were younger, until it was time to sleep and he would conclude their call with the same phrase. “Sweet dreams Lara Jean Song-Covey.” It felt good then, it feels even better now. She texted back right away.

**[10.59 PM]**

_To: John Ambrose McClaren_

_As I told you, having you with me at Belleview will make the experience more perfect than perfect. Can’t wait for what’s in store for us there. Sleep tight and don’t let the bed bugs bite, John Ambrose, McClaren._

She smiled as she hit the send button. She would always say his name in two strides. “John Ambrose,” then a small pause, before adding his family name. She loved it. He loved it too back then, and she thought it would be a nice gesture, a reminiscence of the days when they were Lara Jean and John Ambrose, the two friends with the awfully long first (and second) names. Maybe they could be Lara Jean and John Ambrose, again, riding the most epic love story of all times. She did not hold that thought for very long, though. _Pang_.

**[11.04 PM]**

_From: Peter Kavinsky_

_Lara Jean, this is just to let you know that I will return your scrunchie to you at school tomorrow, if that is okay with you?_

Peter had a small argument with Gen that evening, about that scrunchie. At first, he did not want to spill Lara Jean’s reasons for getting it back, it was hers and it was important to her. Then, he gave in as he always does with her. “Her mother gave it to her right before she passed away.” He saw the soft look on Gen’s eyes, who had a soft spot for Lara Jean after all those years of friendship, although she would never admit to it. She readily accepted and he remembered why he liked her – _loved her_? Because, at heart, Gen was a nice girl. She just had that top-of-the-food-chain persona in front of people, because she was afraid she would get hurt by letting people too close to her. "I'll bring it over tomorrow."

The scrunchie issue settled, he just had one thought in mind as he walked back home. He had to tell Lara Jean. He had to tell her he got it. He also wanted to talk to her, explain to her all that happened between them, at least try to explain. He was not sure what went down. All he knew as he was lying on his own bed, is that every time he thought about Lara Jean, the same would go down in his mind – _and tonight is no different_ , he snorted. He would first think of her eyes, her gorgeous chocolate small eyes that showed every single emotion she otherwise tried to hide. Then her small dimples, that would appear when she smiled, when she laughed or when she was thinking of something. He would then move on to her hair, he long silky dark hair in which his hand was itching to run forever each time she approached. Her smile, or rather, her smiles. There was the flustered smile, the cheeky smile, the embarrassed smile, the grinning smile, and of course, his favorite, the soft smile that she reserved for very special occasions, very special persons. He used to be one of those persons.

Her face was a force of nature, sure, but so was her body. She was tiny but she had killer legs. She was oblivious to the effect she had on boys around her, she thought they did not like her but it was quite the contrary. They all had a secret crush on her. But she was not like the other girls, she was more than hot, she was beautiful and insanely smart. She would read him so easily that he wondered whether she was a psychic at times. It scared him a bit if he were being honest. So, the reason why guys did not act on their attraction for Lara Jean was that, her intellectual superiority. They were immature high school boys who couldn’t handle the full package she was. He used to be worthy of it. Not anymore. She had no idea of that, and that is precisely what made her even more sexy and desirable that she already was.

The last step of his thought process would usually end up in misery. He would reflect on the time they spend together, on when it started to be fake – if ever it really was – and on the fact that he had a chance to actually _have_ Lara Jean, and blew it. In a way, it was better like that, she was better than him. All he would do in a relationship with her, would be wonder when she would realize it herself and leave him, his feelings shattered. Not that they weren’t right now, but the less the feelings the easier it is to collect the shattered pieces, which he is sort of doing with Gen. Although… _Pang_. She answered to his text.

**[11.21 PM]**

_From: Lara Jean Song-Covey_

_Thank you, Peter._

That was the most horrifying text she could’ve sent. No “good night” as she used to, no small talk, not even an angry word. He would have preferred for her to send him a “screw you, Peter” type of text than this. It was laconic, distant, indifferent. It was everything Lara Jean was not. He could handle sad Lara Jean, resentful Lara Jean, mad Lara Jean but indifferent Lara Jean? It sent shivers to his very core. He couldn’t deal with it.

**[11.22 PM]**

_To Lara Jean Song-Covey_

_Sure, Lara Jean. I am sorry for this, again. Can we talk, please?_

The indication that his message has been dispatched does not come. He understands that she must be asleep now and that she turned off her phone, as she used to. “Peter, these things, phones, frequencies, they mess with our brains and our health. I always turn off my phone at nights, that is why we have landlines.” He remembers fondly when she told him that, and took it as a justification to give him her landline’s number. Should he call her? No, it was too late and he did not want for the entire Covey tribe to wake up.

The next morning, the first he does is take the scrunchie and put it to his nose. _It smells just like Lara Jean, a savoring flavor of coconut and banana with a tiny bit of strawberry_. His phone flashed a message. It was from her. He immediately swipes.

**[7.47 AM]**

_From: Lara Jean Song-Covey_

_Peter, honestly, I’d rather not. There isn’t much left to be said. You’re back together with Genevieve. Let’s leave it at that. I wish you both to be extremely happy._

What a way to start the day. Lara Jean turned him down in a two-line text. He didn’t know whether he was angry or desperate. He chose stubborn instead. He would speak to her. They had chemistry together today, and they were still lab partners. She had to listen to him, whether she wanted it or not. He would explain everything, tell her that he liked her when he said he did, that him coming to her place the other night was probably the last spontaneous thing he’d done in the last few days, that he doesn’t regret the time they spent together. Yes, he would speak to her. He needed for them to be good, on speaking terms. Maybe this way, he would be able to stop thinking about her at every turn, stop feeling vulnerable when it came to her.

Lara Jean was getting ready for school when her phone rang. It was a text. She sighed. She assumed it would be Peter trying to get her to speak to him. She did not want to, though. She did not trust herself around him and could not predict her reaction. She oscillated between begging for him to take her back or being incredibly hateful to him, they were radically opposite feelings. Yet, she felt like it could really go one way or the other and she knew better than to trust any extreme feeling. She had to let time do what it does best, heal the wounds, the hearts and soothe the memories. She knew she could not avoid him forever, they went to the same school, knew people in common and thus, sooner or later, she would have to face him and have _the_ talk. The closure they both needed, if she was being fully honest with herself. _But it will be later rather than sooner_. She doesn’t owe Peter Kavinsky anything. Her thoughts were a torrent in her head. She seized her phone, but it wasn’t Peter Kavinsy.

**[7.56 AM]**

_From: John Ambrose McClaren_

_God, you called me John Ambrose (pause) McClaren LJ, and I felt 11 all over again. It was a good feeling. I heard you say it in my head. First text I read this morning, there are worst things to wake up to than your voice saying my name_ 😉

_Good morning, Lara Jean. Have a wonderful day. And see you tomorrow at Belleview, can’t wait!_

She couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear. Was it what happiness was supposed to be? To stupidly smile at a text from a charming boy who was openly flirting with you? Maybe it was. Her gloomy thoughts about Peter Kavinsky were all forgotten as she was combing her hair, getting ready for school. She took a small pause in her preparation though, John Ambrose was at least worth that much.

**[8.03 AM]**

_To: John Ambrose McClaren_

_Good Morning to you as well, John Ambrose, McClaren. Hope you have a great day! What are you up to today?_

_P.S. Tomorrow can’t come soon enough_.

The drive – yes, the drive, the safe, accident-free drive – to school was a delight. Lara Jean was singing along the radio with Kitty, who was amazed by Lara Jean’s demeanor of the day, given she had broken up with Peter – if it can be called a break-up. She was afraid her sister was living in denial. “Don’t get me wrong Lara Jean, I love seeing you so carefree and in a good mood, but are you alright?” Lara Jean smiled warmly at her sister, her heart swelling that she would worry about her, but she was good. Really good. Sure, she still had to deal with the Peter of it all, but John Ambrose got her in a trance, although she needed to make sure not to fall to hard, to quick – which was a tough ask for the restless romantic she was.

“I am good Kitty, it’s just a new day and I know Peter and I broke up, but it’s not the end of the world. The future is full of promises, isn’t it? Plus, I’ve got you, Dad, Margot, Chris and Lucas.” _And John Ambrose_ , she almost let slip. “That is all I need, and it is time for me to move on the mockery of the last few weeks.” But life had its twisted ways. As soon as her sentence was over and she parked the car, there was Peter Kavinsky waiting for her at the entrance of the parking lot. Their eyes met. For the first time, she couldn’t read his eyes. She thought she saw remorse, but that couldn’t be. He was back with whom he wanted. In any event, she’d spiral later, now, she needed to dodge him. Quick.

“Kitty, can you…” Kitty was smirking. “We’ll talk later about that moving on refrain, but sure, I can.” Kitty got out of the car and headed to Peter, who she liked very much. They had bounded, and she found herself in an awkward position. Sure, she’d always be Team Lara Jean, that went without saying but she couldn’t be outright mean to him. “Hi Peter, nice to see you.” She shot him a small smile. He ruffled her hair fondly and exclaimed: “Hi Kitty Cat! How are you?” It felt weird. He loved Kitty, and he shot her a small smile, not sure how he should act around her. How were they supposed to manage the fact the link between them, _Lara Jean, sweet Lara Jean_ , has quit being that link. “I’m good, thanks. We drove here with Lara Jean. Unscathed. Bright and shiny!” she replied, laughing a little at his mocking smile, the private joke on Lara Jean’s driving too obvious.

“Speaking of her, where is Lara Jean? I need to talk to her and give her something back that she asked for.” Kitty knew exactly what to say, in a neutral tone, not to raise any doubts that Lara Jean was avoiding him – which she was. “Oh, I think she went to join Chris, they had something to hash out, like always I suppose.” Indeed, he saw Lara Jean’s hair – that long dark silk gorgeous hair – fly behind school. Only her hair, she was too quick for him to follow her. _There was still Chem, anyway_. “As for that thing you want to give back, I can take it if you want.”

He felt uncomfortable, he knew it had sentimental value. Then again, Kitty would understand too. As he got the scrunchie out of his pocket, Kitty rushed to take from his hands and store it safely in her bag. “Why did you have that Peter?” She was not friendly anymore. Her tone was sharp, raw, fierce Katherine was back. “She just forgot it with me, and it took longer for me to find it,” he said uncomfortably, his hand scratching the back of his head. “With you who forgot it with Gen, I presume? I was her giving you something not even three minutes ago, in the parking lot, when we arrived.” Her voice was soft, yet ferocious. He didn’t know that was even a thing, but he should know by now that Lara Jean was not the only Covey with out-of-this-world characteristics.

“Peter, how could you? This scrunchie means so much to Lara Jean. Mom gave it to her, before… How could you give it to someone else, and to Genevieve, of all people? I knew you guys broke up, but I had no idea it was because you were cruel, Peter.”

“Kitty, please…” She turned around and did not spare him a single glance. He felt tears swimming in his eyes as hurt, remorse, guilt and shame all rushed over him. Only Lara Jean Song-Covey could make him feel this way, weak, vulnerable. She had that power on him, and it frightened him. With Genevieve, everything was simpler, more stable. She was hot, he was popular, they were good together. But Lara Jean, she had a hold on him that scared him to his core. Then he realized, that is why he broke up with her. Because he was afraid.


End file.
